lynxyoukai

I've made another account for anyone who cares. i'm going to try to use it to redo this livejournal thing. every time i come onto my lynxyoukai account i find myself unable to write...hopefully, with a blank account i can write. the only reason i think it will work is that i am so used to just putting quizzes and/or nothing on this one...hopefully, with my new account i can start anew and put truth there...

If he wanted, could God kill himself? Could God be able to not do something? Could God really learn anything, could he ever not know something?

I don't know if anyone here knows but I love barefooting (going sans shoes). I just love the feel of it. I was wondering if anyone else does the same thing...and I mean like outside and shit, not just in your houses. The only problem I have is that people give me weird looks (haven't tried going in a store or anything - it actually isn't illegal to go in stores sans shoes). I posted to my barefoot community asking if anyone knows of some kind of soleless sandal that wouldn't look totally gay on a dude (the only things I've seen have been girly bead things - I just want like a strap or something that would look enough like I had something on for people to pay my feet no heed -//- I'd totally go barefoot way more often if I could stop the looks). Basically, I'm looking to pay money for a strap or something that will give the illusion of the top of a sandal (ain't I smart ^_^ ?). So, anyone else practice the risque taboo that is barefooting?

from anduril_phoenix

1. What's your favorite sexual position? Doggy style. What can I say, I'm an assman. -shrugs-

2. What's your opinion of the war in Iraq? We never should have gone but we can't leave now. We kind of have to just stand behind the soldiers, they don't want to be there; it isn't there fault they were forced there. We can't go back to the days of returning soldier of Vietnam.

3. What's your favorite comfort food? If I need comfort I mainly drink a lot of water...like if I'm really pissed off, I'll down a liter o' water. So...umm...water?

4. Does ice cream cure everything? No...to tell you the truth, I'm not sure it cures much of anything.

5. What's your favorite song at the moment? Hmm...people ask this a lot. Hmm, Rodeo...maybe.

Meme snagged from orions_tears !

INSTRUCTIONS
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.


/1/ Have you ever thought about marriage?
Yes, often. Marriage is a definate in my future. However, I am sadly without love right now...someday, I will find the one person who is for me, and only me.

/2/ Have you ever read anything during the course of your life that you've never told another soul about and that is the closest of close to your heart meaning you will never forget it?
Hmm, not really. I usually talk about what I read, especially if it affects me in a real way. However, there have been things that I've read that I have talked about in a general way, kinda dancing around it without explaining it's meaning to myself. So, no...and yes.

/3/ If I challenge you to write a song or poem for me, would you do it?
Hmm, at first glance I say definately. However, I fear I could not do a song (ever) or a poem that is worthy of you. I can not write music and I am not very good at poetry. I have been thinking of writing you a story but I am very bad at other literary mediums.

/4/ What is your deepest, darkest secret?
Hmm, good question. I know so little of myself and, obviously, know everything. It's just most of it is hidden away in the decrepit labrynth that is my mind. My darkest secret...I am utterly weak. I am constantly, silently, internally weeping, so scared that it's all a lie. That no one cares...that I don't matter in the least, that I will disapear in ambiguity and no one will remember me. -- God that was stupid...it is not much of a secret...T.T

/5/ Have you ever saw a lynx cub before?
Like in real life...nope, not really. I love nature shows though, so I see 'em on tv when stuff on lynxes is on. Also, I've seen young lynxes in the zoo before. Not necessarily a cub (depends on what you view a cub as) but pretty young.

Not sure why I decided to post. Not sure why I'm feeling down/mad. I...just did and just am. Life hasn't really been particularily bad but, for whatever reason, I'm in a bad kinda mood. Everything just sucks right now. I keep thinking about how nice cutting would be...I know, stupid. I find myself thinking about what it'd be like...how sweet would that pain be to me... Again, stupid, but that's what I'm like. Sometimes I wonder why I don't cut...I mean, how would my family know...would those around me be able to tell and, perhaps more importantly, would they care/try to stop me. I'd think no but I'm probably wrong. They still haven't forgotten about me...I'm still visible. I still smoke too much and drink when I can. Anyway, I don't really know what I came here to say but maybe I got something out...something I wanted to say.
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I feel like shit right now and I don't know why. I just feel like something is fundamentally wrong...with something. I don't know what it is that's wrong or or or I don't know. I just feel like there's something on the horizon that I can't see...a darkness rolls over the land and I'm afraid. I really am too...I just don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. This isn't what I thought I came here to write but it is...I guess. It just feels right, you know? I gotta do something about it...but...but I'm frozen. I'm just in the corner watching as the darkness rolls toward me...am I ready for it, I wonder. There is something coming and just because it rolls with the darkness doesn't mean it is necessarily bad...maybe. It's big though... God, I keep repeating myself...I must sound so stupid. I feel tired...feel like I could just sleep forever. And I hear a fell voice in my veins...I want to see my blood slide down my arm. I know, bad. Of course, as per usual, I don't really care. I really feel like...feel like going for that last ride. God, why am I like this? Why am I thinking like this? Nothing bad is even happening...it just...it feels like it's a good time to die. To feel that last high and...and I don't know. This is really nothing like what I thought I came here to say...thanks muse. Don't worry about me guys...I'd only taste a little...

Butterfly, are you still in a storm? I haven't heard from you in a while...

Ganked from hemmingwayscat via anduril_phoenix

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don't ACTUALLY remember about you.

I got tagged by orions_tears to list 10 anime/videogame characters I find attractive and tag 5 other people afterward.

1. Yazuha (Utawarerumono)
2. Dori (Utawarerumono)
3. Gura (Utawarerumono)
4. Eruruu (Utawarerumono)
5. Aruruu (Utawarerumono)
6. Haruhara Haruko (FLCL)
7. Nagamine Mikako (Voices of a Distant Star)
8. Lucy (Elfen Lied)
9. Freya (Chobits)
10. Sango (Inuyasha)

Taggin'...umm...naede,aiko_chan2006,aphrael27,sushi_girl3101,explorer_fam

this is something from Biblebeltpagans and rereading it now, it seems so close to me again...so, I thought I'd put it here.

i miss the moon. i know, weird to say. anyway, i really do. i have watched it for the last couple days and the more i think about it the more i realize that i really do miss it. i don’t even know why, i just do. i look at it and i feel a longing. like the longing for something that you used to know...used to love but don't remember. it’s like something is blocking me and i hate it. sometimes i just want to touch the moon...or at least cry out to it. that would be weird though, wouldn’t it? yes, it would and as such i won’t do it because too many people are around here. now, if you’re a friend of mine and keep up with my soul searching through live journal you might be thinking i’m saying this just to give my claim to a wolf totem validity but please believe me when i say that i am not. i really do feel this longing and it is actually bothering me a little bit. even during the day i look up and feel the longing...even if i can’t see the moon. if you don’t believe me about how i am not trying to give my totem validity then so be it. i know the truth and if you don’t believe me then c'est la vie. anyway, that is what i wanted to say…

i describe the moon in many different ways. mainly i see it now as some ancient thing...some beautiful orb leading somewhere...by it out there or in me...or on earth. i feel something there...something powerful calling to me and i don't know what it is. i really do feel some need to touch it...i know wierd. i don't even really mean touch it physically...there is some part of me that knows how to do it...knows how to speak to the moon...and i long to do that so badly. long to cry to her and to hear her return my call. i know that sounds a lot like i am, again, trying to give my totem validity but i am not. i just feel this great longing. i want to just reach out and caress the moon...again, really wierd and maybe even slightly crazy sounding. i don't really associate the moon with the triple moon goddess because on my personal path it is not the triple moon goddess who watches over me...it is gaia. gaia is in everything...the earth and the water...the cosmos and the stars...she is in and is everything. one day i will return to her for a while and come back. i will definately try to meditate on this but sometimes it is difficult. i know my soul is trying to tell me something my head is not grasping. i hope i do learn why i long so...it is actually a little wierd...i've never felt like this.

I am going to force myself to write something original if it kills me. I'm not sure what it is going to be about but I will not rest until I have something...hopefully something I am proud of. Okay, now, I know I've said stuff like this before but this time I mean it...summer is coming up and without any other distractions in my way I know I can do this. Now, I've asked this a couple times but, who here is willing to beta for me. First of all, I am really horny right now so this is probably going to be some really strange smut. Even if it is not though, I'm sure I will swear atleast a little because this is just something for me and my "adoring" fan *listens to cricket chirping rather than fans cheering...cries*. So, if you are fine with something that is smut from me (and I'm a strange one) and/or [profuse] swearing and would like to beta, please tell me. Oh, and it may take me a while to beat my muse into submission so I can't give any kind of ATA on this story...it could come by the end of this week or by the end of next month... So, on with the freaky smut!!!

interview with anduril_phoenix

1. What's your favorite junk food? Hmm...not sure. If I had to answer right now I'd probably have to say banana cream cheesecake.

2. What's your biggest fear? Now here's a question I ask myself a lot. My answer is, I think, people knownig me. Knowing what is behind all the closed doors and turned off lights...finding out that I'm just some poor dog that can't cry even though it's hurt.

3. What fetish(es) do you have? Hey! That's a little personal/creepy! Oh well, I guess I am the one who signed up for the interview. Anywho, umm...fetishes... Well, I'm an assman (does that count as a fetish?) and I definately enjoy a "little" pain with my pleasure. I find blood strangely erotic and I am very, very submissive.

4. Do you like porn? Why/why not? Well, yeah, of course I do. Why, hmm, a little more difficult to answer. I guess I could say it's because I'm a guy but what kind of answer is that, right? If I have to answer now I gotta say it's because I don't have the real thing here. *devil horns*

5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what would be the one thing you'd take with you? Hmm, a little cliche' but okay, I'll answer. I could go with the cliche' "right answer," which is a boat, but to tell you the truth I don't really like people very much. Hmm, because you said one thing, which doesn't necessarily mean I have to know who/what/where it is so I'll say my soulmate...the person who is for me and only me.

Now it's your turn.

01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

hmm...my contacts are bothering me today. well, one of them is...but, of course, that's not what i'm here to say, obviously. so, onto what i came here to say...or, more true to it, what i came here to bitch about. i am here to whine about my lonliness. am i really so bad? come on, some of you out there kind of know me...so, am i so bad? would you hold me...or let me hold you? oh, fuck it...does it matter? maybe i am just an asshole who can't talk and is too picky. hell, how can i be picky? i'm not good looking and i'm too stupid to ever open my mouth. i'm just the freak who stares at you from the table on the edge...come on, you know me. i'm those eyes that you feel looking at you...i usually turn away when your eyes reach toward me then you go and talk to me with your friends. ah...c'est la vie. i keep saying that i am so lonely...and i am but i don't do anything about it. i still don't open my mouth...i just stare and so far that has led two people to talk to me...and both of them left me. maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...maybe it doesn't matter...maybe nothign matters. maybe i'll just be alone forever and maybe that's the way it supposed to be. maybe there is no person out there who is the one for me. maybe all my crazy, self-hating thoughts are right...that i'm too horrible to deserve anyone. oh well, fuck it...i guess maybe some day i'll find someone...or, knowing myself, they'll find me. sick, huh? me, some wierdo freak expecting someone who is willing to be with me to find me...and hell, i am picky about it too. i know what i want and i am not one to compromise that. is that wrong? should i compromise...lower my standards and take whatever comes my way? i ask myself that a million times a day and i always come up with the same answer...i don't know. god, sometimes i really think i don't know anything. i'm an idiot...i mean that. i know some knowledge anybody could read from a book but what's that worth...nothing, that's what it's worth. abso-fucking-lutely nothing. i can't talk, especially about myself...i know i have a million and a half problems but i don't do anything about it. i can write...that's just about it. truly, that's all i have that i can do...i can write and, in the end, i'll probably end up nothing...some asshole in a cubicle...still dreaming about the book i never wrote and, like i've said a couple times, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. god, i don't even know what compelled me to write this tonight...i've starting this a million times but i've never finished it...hell, i've never even gotten four lines in but here it is...a little bit of my bitching. i hope i can grow some balls and start to write on here more...but, most likely, i won't. i'll start everything i want to write a million times and in the end most of them will never become anything...they'll stay little fucked up ideas in my fucked up head. i'll stay the guy who has no balls...but that's neither here nor there. so, i'm done bitching...for now...for god knows how long. comment if you feel like it but if you don't, then fuck it...oh, and i'm just telling anyone who reads here that i'm gonna swear a lot in future writing because this is my fucking journal and if i want to swear then c'est la fucking vie. anywho, i'm done...peace!

not for any reason other than for the fact that i don't care. i know that doesn't make sense but to me it does. i just don't care...about anything... i read my dear diary story and i don't know where it came from. it was...is awesome. i'm going to write another flcl story...or try. if i don't...or can't it doesn't matter because right now nothing does. god, i'm such an asshole. i really am...i want to say why but i feel like even more of an asshole for not saying it...not saying anything. do i ever say anything? i'm just wondering. i know i don't say much here...nothing much at all...ever. it is just a bunch of nothing...little quizzes and things like that even though i want to pour it all out. i always get on here an dlook at the screen and think of saying something real...but i don't. because i'm weak and scared...because it will sound stupid...becuase of something but right now i just don't care. i didn't even know i didn't care until right now...well right after i read my dear diary story which is the best thing i've ever written...ever read. it was just beautiful and it made perfect sense and it made no sense. god, i would kill for a guitar that never moves and a girl that never cries to come for me in a town where nothing happens but not yet. hell...nothing yet. i am so sorry to whoever cares about me...for listening to this bullshit...for listening to me. i'm gonna keep writing on here but i hope i keep not caring because then this really becomes a journal...then i really write. that's when my muse is one with me...or me with him...oh, hell, it doesn't even matter. that's when i write dear diary for a story and i love it and it feels so right. i am so sorry naede...i told you i am an asshole. i really just don't care right now and i don't think i will for a while. i'm happy to be friends and happy you care about me. please don't hate me because that'll hurt me...even now when i don't care...i mean just because i don't care doesn't mean i don't feel. i just don't want to hurt you any more...and i will now that i don't care and that i'm going to make this a real journal. i'm just goign to write and not going to care...because i need to. so, again, naede i am so sorry i loved you and i know how bad that sounds and i hope you don't take it like that. what i mean is that if i never loved you i would never have hurt you...or maybe i didn't. god i hope i didn't. please tell me you never loved me. i just don't want to hurt you...hate me if you want actually...just hate me and tell me you never loved me. tora...i say i'm sorry to you to because, like with naede i loved you to and still do but i don't care so i will hurt you even more if i pretend that i do....or try to keep caring about you and be myself...my true dark, stupid, hateful, hurtful, not caring, dumb, bastard self... so, please...find someone else...find someone worthy of you. worthy of your greatness...be yourself and you will get the best the world has to offer...you and naede both deserve nothing less...hell, you deserve more than the world has to offer but, sadly for you, you must take that...because, obviously, it is the best the world has to offer. how could you even want me...i mean really...it has been a while since i've really said anything on here but in truth i am dumb...and cold and silent and hurtful and obviously deserve nothing... i should never love...i don't deserve it...please, though, if you ever did care about me i implore with all of my black heart that you do not say anythign to try and bring to somewhere else...to where i was. where i said nothign....because though this life is perhaps worse for me it is mine...this is who i am at my core and i don't even know why i'm dropping the facade...i actually thought of running rather than speaking. not literally running but making a new account on lj and just disappearing from here. please, friends don't hate me but don't try to change me...i've lost 1 love that way...she tried to change me and i just don't do it...i don't change. i hope to one day maybe find someone like me...who deserves nothing and together it won't matter and nothing will change and we can be happy together...maybe. again, i am so sorry for you naede and tora...please, please don't hate me. move on and, if you can, stay a friend to me... god, i am a sick bastard aren't i...i tell them i don't want to be with them because i'm a bastard and then turn and implore their good hearts to stay friends with me... god, i don't even deserve that. hate me if you must but i implore with whatever value i have that you let me be myself...don't try to change me because i don't deserve the time of day because, the truth is that i don't want to change. i know it is a sick idea...that someone would want to be like this and, hell, that's not even it...i just feel right here. feel like this is where i belong and everyone who has ever tried to change me has been hurt in some way...or left before they were hurt so i implore with whatever care you...any of my friends here has for me that none of you try to change me. hate me if you must but please leave me be where i am. stay my friend if you wish but do not, i repeat do not try to change me because i've never changed...for the better. perhaps one day i will but today and tomorrow and a thousand tomorrows after that won't be it...so please don't waste your time. i will perhaps one day find someone for me but as of now i haven't found the right one. i can love and do love...i love cody and naede and tora but none of you are right and i am sorry to have hid for so long. this is me and i understand it's bad but it's me and i really, truely do not want to drag someone with me so please, if you ever cared for me at all do not love me now as anything more than a friend. please...truely, forgive my bastardness (or, hell, don't) and leave me where i am and stay a friend, if you wish but do not try to be more. all i can use right now, from you people (meaning my friends here) is a friend. i hope to either someday escape my self-imposed fate but right now it is not in my cards and you, my friends, can not change my hand. so, one last time, i implore all of my friends do leave me where i am and stay my friends and i implore that naede and tora leave me be and be, at most, friends to me. i do beg that both of you forgive me my sins (my love for you) but if it is not possible to forgive the wounds i may have inflicted i beg that you leave me here and walk away. if, by some maracle of your hearts, you do forgive me then please please PLEASE be friends to me and ask for nothing more. i am sorry i ever loved you...i truely am and i mean that in the best way possible. you are not the one person for me and only me and i can not let you think i am the one person for you and only you. perhaps, the person for me and only is out there but you are not it and i can not and will not drag you down with me and you will not change me so do not attempt to do thus. every fiber of my being begs you forget any love you had for me that went beyond friendship... so...from now on...my journal will be thus...a journal as i would write in it...rambling and scratches of writings here and there but i will attempt thus to remove quizes and such and to keep my mask away. i hope to be myself here...as it should be. i hope atleast some of you stay friends with me but if not, ah, c'est la vie. again, i know sounding like the broken record i don't want to, i implore with all that i am that anyone who loved me forget your love and make it into, at most, friendship because, though i may love you, i will not drag you to my truth with me and i, again, beg with all that i am that no one try to change me because i am who i am...so, to recap, once again, i am as sorry as anyone can be to you, naede and tora, please leave me be and, if somehow you can, forgive me my sin... now, if anyone is still here to read this...i do hope to some day find the one person for me and only me but thus i have not but, perhaps, if the fates somehow decide to shine on me and bring me to the person for me and only me then, again perhaps, i can be happy...but again, the person for me and only me is not with me nor known to me. one last time, if you are still reading, PLEASE forget any love you had for me naede and tora...i am not the person for you and only you and i implore with all that i am and all the love and care you ever had for me that you forget your love and care, beyond the reaches of friendship, for me and go and find the one that is for you and only you. please, do not keep loving me because i refuse to accept it and i know how much unaccepted love hurts and would never wish any pain on you (even though i have already hurt you)... *goes to the corner and curls up in a ball crying and hopes the words written here are heeded*

Fandom Meme

Pick ten characters from which you would like to get a note. List them. THEN, it's up to your friends to pick a character, and write a note as if they were that character. You can have more than one note from a particular character, and a friend can post as more than one character. If you leave a Note, post this on your LJ. Or post it on your journal without leaving a note. It really doesn't matter, does it? Go!

1.Alucard (Hellsing)
2.Hannibal (oh, come on, you know where)
3.Chi (Chobits)
4.Freya/Dark Chi (Chobits)
5.Lucien (Underworld)
6.Amelia (Underworld/Underworld 2)
7.Kouga (Inuyasha)
8.Sango (Inuyasha)
9.Haruko (FLCL)
10.Old Man Coyote (umm...this is coyote...you know? THE Coyote)