lynxyoukai

new account

2007-04-25T16:09:26Z

I've made another account for anyone who cares. i'm going to try to use it to redo this livejournal thing. every time i come onto my lynxyoukai account i find myself unable to write...hopefully, with a blank account i can write. the only reason i think it will work is that i am so used to just putting quizzes and/or nothing on this one...hopefully, with my new account i can start anew and put truth there...

food for thought (brought on by an awesome story)

2007-04-03T02:32:34Z

If he wanted, could God kill himself? Could God be able to not do something? Could God really learn anything, could he ever not know something?

Barefooting

2007-03-18T08:40:55Z

I don't know if anyone here knows but I love barefooting (going sans shoes). I just love the feel of it. I was wondering if anyone else does the same thing...and I mean like outside and shit, not just in your houses. The only problem I have is that people give me weird looks (haven't tried going in a store or anything - it actually isn't illegal to go in stores sans shoes). I posted to my barefoot community asking if anyone knows of some kind of soleless sandal that wouldn't look totally gay on a dude (the only things I've seen have been girly bead things - I just want like a strap or something that would look enough like I had something on for people to pay my feet no heed -//- I'd totally go barefoot way more often if I could stop the looks). Basically, I'm looking to pay money for a strap or something that will give the illusion of the top of a sandal (ain't I smart ^_^ ?). So, anyone else practice the risque taboo that is barefooting?

'nother 'view

2007-02-16T03:34:36Z

from anduril_phoenix

1. What's your favorite sexual position? Doggy style. What can I say, I'm an assman. -shrugs-

2. What's your opinion of the war in Iraq? We never should have gone but we can't leave now. We kind of have to just stand behind the soldiers, they don't want to be there; it isn't there fault they were forced there. We can't go back to the days of returning soldier of Vietnam.

3. What's your favorite comfort food? If I need comfort I mainly drink a lot of water...like if I'm really pissed off, I'll down a liter o' water. So...umm...water?

4. Does ice cream cure everything? No...to tell you the truth, I'm not sure it cures much of anything.

5. What's your favorite song at the moment? Hmm...people ask this a lot. Hmm, Rodeo...maybe.

my 'view from orions_tears

2007-02-13T06:02:49Z

Meme snagged from orions_tears !

INSTRUCTIONS
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

/1/ Have you ever thought about marriage?
Yes, often. Marriage is a definate in my future. However, I am sadly without love right now...someday, I will find the one person who is for me, and only me.

/2/ Have you ever read anything during the course of your life that you've never told another soul about and that is the closest of close to your heart meaning you will never forget it?
Hmm, not really. I usually talk about what I read, especially if it affects me in a real way. However, there have been things that I've read that I have talked about in a general way, kinda dancing around it without explaining it's meaning to myself. So, no...and yes.

/3/ If I challenge you to write a song or poem for me, would you do it?
Hmm, at first glance I say definately. However, I fear I could not do a song (ever) or a poem that is worthy of you. I can not write music and I am not very good at poetry. I have been thinking of writing you a story but I am very bad at other literary mediums.

/4/ What is your deepest, darkest secret?
Hmm, good question. I know so little of myself and, obviously, know everything. It's just most of it is hidden away in the decrepit labrynth that is my mind. My darkest secret...I am utterly weak. I am constantly, silently, internally weeping, so scared that it's all a lie. That no one cares...that I don't matter in the least, that I will disapear in ambiguity and no one will remember me. -- God that was stupid...it is not much of a secret...T.T

/5/ Have you ever saw a lynx cub before?
Like in real life...nope, not really. I love nature shows though, so I see 'em on tv when stuff on lynxes is on. Also, I've seen young lynxes in the zoo before. Not necessarily a cub (depends on what you view a cub as) but pretty young.

not sure (kinda a double post...sorta/kinda same thing)

2007-01-21T14:43:31Z

Not sure why I decided to post. Not sure why I'm feeling down/mad. I...just did and just am. Life hasn't really been particularily bad but, for whatever reason, I'm in a bad kinda mood. Everything just sucks right now. I keep thinking about how nice cutting would be...I know, stupid. I find myself thinking about what it'd be like...how sweet would that pain be to me... Again, stupid, but that's what I'm like. Sometimes I wonder why I don't cut...I mean, how would my family know...would those around me be able to tell and, perhaps more importantly, would they care/try to stop me. I'd think no but I'm probably wrong. They still haven't forgotten about me...I'm still visible. I still smoke too much and drink when I can. Anyway, I don't really know what I came here to say but maybe I got something out...something I wanted to say.
---------------------------------------------------------
I feel like shit right now and I don't know why. I just feel like something is fundamentally wrong...with something. I don't know what it is that's wrong or or or I don't know. I just feel like there's something on the horizon that I can't see...a darkness rolls over the land and I'm afraid. I really am too...I just don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. This isn't what I thought I came here to write but it is...I guess. It just feels right, you know? I gotta do something about it...but...but I'm frozen. I'm just in the corner watching as the darkness rolls toward me...am I ready for it, I wonder. There is something coming and just because it rolls with the darkness doesn't mean it is necessarily bad...maybe. It's big though... God, I keep repeating myself...I must sound so stupid. I feel tired...feel like I could just sleep forever. And I hear a fell voice in my veins...I want to see my blood slide down my arm. I know, bad. Of course, as per usual, I don't really care. I really feel like...feel like going for that last ride. God, why am I like this? Why am I thinking like this? Nothing bad is even happening...it just...it feels like it's a good time to die. To feel that last high and...and I don't know. This is really nothing like what I thought I came here to say...thanks muse. Don't worry about me guys...I'd only taste a little...

Butterfly, are you still in a storm? I haven't heard from you in a while...

got it from orions_tears who has some background on it

2006-12-13T18:52:19Z

Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter. After, post this in your journal, and give out some letters of your own.

Mine was a 'B'

1. Byakugan...it's just cool :D
2. Back (as in looking back [though i shouldn't] and backside [as in ass...i'm an assman, what can i say] )
3. Booze (most anything but beer - that stuff's vile)
4. Breaking down and crying...though i don't do it as often as i feel the need to
5. Beginning something because when i first begin something i can always see how great it could be
6. Barefooting (meaning walking around with no shoes on...i just love it...i don't know why)
7. Blowing smoke (i snuck my love for smoking in...muahahahahaha)
8. Blue, like rain falling down or the great oceans stretching across the world or the sky that goes on forever
9. Being in love...even though it doesn't really work out...or hasn't in the past
10. Believing...it helps me get through the days and nights

Okies who wants to be my next victim and askes me for a letter?

trip down memory lane...again

2006-12-01T23:44:23Z

Ganked from hemmingwayscat via anduril_phoenix

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don't ACTUALLY remember about you.

dirty

2006-09-19T14:45:31Z

i need to be fucked...i mean it. i am so backed up. sweet gaia send me someone to send my horniness away. what i wouldn't do to get fucked right now...i mean it. i would do just about anything. i am just so god damned horny. it's not like i'm asking for much...i'm submissive and everything. whoever wants to can control me...set the tempo and everything...just come and take my horniness away. PLEASE!!!! i am really so god damned horny...i need a fix. sweet god isn't there someone out there who knows what i'm going through?!?! who can come and we can work together to get rid of our horniness?! please, you can get ur fix too...we could be fuck buddies or even a one night stand. that'd be okay...just one night...a nice down and dirty romping and a little cuddling after...then nothing. i'd be okay with that. maybe we could help eachother out once or twice some other time...a night can be a lot of romping...i don't care if i can't walk the next day...actually that would be nice. both because you were really dominating and because we romped(i like this word) so much... well, anyway, there is my little rant...i'm horny and i don't want to be...maybe it will be a day and night stand because i am really horny and i don't think anyone will be able to walk the next day...and that would be a really good fix. ^_^...okay that was a little bad but i am horny!

took from the butterfly

2006-09-14T00:58:10Z

My Personality


Neuroticism	96
Extraversion	0
Openness To Experience	86
Agreeableness	69
Conscientiousness	55

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gonna make myself do this

2006-07-17T09:47:58Z

This is gonna be long. I'm pouring my soul out in this one...even if it kills me. I have spent so much time trying to write something here on live journal but, obviously, nothing has come of that time. Anyway, onto something real.

I have been thinking recently and that can be bad for me sometimes and this time...I'm not sure if it has been bad...probably has. *shrugs* I just have to write something. That's all I know. I have been trying to write but I can't start anything. Every time I try it comes out with nothing. I'm lucky if I can even start but more than likely I just look at the paper for like an hour and give up. God, how am I ever going to be a writer? Yeah right, me, a writer. Could you imaging what that'd be like. (Quick warning here, there is going to be a lot of talking to myself) Of course you can...it'd be horrible. Nothing is going to come of that. You're going to end up some stupid English teacher for 30 or 40 years and then your gonna die...just deal with it. I guess I gotta do just that...deal with it. I'm gonna be some damn teacher for the rest of my life...dealing with an ever growing population of educationally apathetic bastards who all hope to get that football career and when that doesn't happen their fucked. I know I'm not supposed to think this way but its how I think. I am some horrible little bastard who couldn't see the glass as half full if that was the only damn choice. Part of me really thinks I would die for that damn glass to be half empty...why, I don't know. I hate how so many people can't believe that. Hey! Assholes do you really think I want to always be holding a half empty fucking glass? Fuck it, yeah, maybe I do. Maybe I am just some stupid fucking asshole who hates his life so much that...that I have to be pessimistic. I mean if my life is so shitty then it's got to be pessimistic. It's gotta be shitty. Fuck it...that doesn't even make sense...I know it doesn't but listen to me say it because that's what I'm sitting here saying. Life is shitty...how can I not just live with it. Actually, what am I saying? I don’t even think life is that shitty...I really think I am that shitty. I deserve all the fucking hardships I've ever had. Everything is my fault.

Okay, another paragraph because this feels like it should be a new paragraph. My empathy...that's it...that's why everything is my fault. I mean that's why I feel like it is. Because if it wasn't my fault why do I feel shitty for it. Damn, people wonder why I am solitary too. Why am I solitary!? I'll tell you here...I'm fucking solitary because when I'm around people I end up feeling shitty. And then, on top of feeling shitty, I feel like it is my fault...or my destiny to do something about it. Hell, sometimes I wonder to myself how that'd go. Going up to that person I don't know and telling them that it's all going to be okay. Firstly, I don't know what the fucking problem is...so how the hell do I have the audacity to say it's going to be okay...if grandma just died the shit just hit the fucking fan didn't it. But, hey, fuck number one...I don't even fucking know the person...yeah; I'm not going to look like some crazy asshole. Shit, when I think about it...that's why pay it forward wouldn't work...because who the fuck is going to except your fucking help in today's damn world when you don't fucking know them. You gonna take the fucking car from some guy you don't know...of course not. But I digress...I'm talking about my empathy. The strange thing is that my empathy never seems to work in a good way. Is there just more pain than happiness in the world. People often tell me otherwise...maybe I'm just a magnet for the pain. Maybe I subconsciously want it...maybe I deserve it. Sometimes I just want to scream...what, waiting for something I want to scream...nah, I just want to scream. No, really I want to cry...to cry forever... Fuck I'd just like to be able to cry...I'm not as some of you know. I just have so much trouble crying. Do I digress though? Did I leave my subject off in the distance of this paragraph? Probably.

Pain...hmm...I could go on for hours. I like pain...and I think I might love being hurt. I know, you’re thinking that if I like pain I must love being hurt, but that isn't true. You can love pain and hate being hurt. My affinity for pain is erotic...to the most part. I find the idea of being beaten...bleeding so sexy and the reason I fear that I love being hurt is because every time I find someone who is crazy enough to love me I ruin it. I loose feeling or passion or whatthefuckever. And, obviously, the shit hits the fan and again I am left alone. Of course, if you've none me any real amount of time you know that I think I might be destined to be alone...maybe I deserve it. Damn this is nothing like what I thought it was going to be like but fuck it...this is what it is. Shit, I did expect to go farther with the pain...but hell...it's done.

Religion...I could talk about other people's but here it's about me...mine. That's what this is all about. I needed to write this and here it is. My religion, shit, can anyone follow what that is. Am I changing it to feel more wanted by someone? No, that's not possible. Why? Why, oh well the more I think about it...the more time I spend meditating...the more it changes the farther I drift from anything anybody else has ever seen. The easiest way to explain it is that I believe in the elements and in a bigger Gaia. Though my Gaia is different from Gaia...my Gaia is god. But...but she's not...she isn't god because she didn't make it...she doesn't rule everything...but she does. I know...it barely makes sense to me. So you out there calling the white suits don't even try to understand it. I still believe in my own idea of the totem spirit...and I hold fast to the idea that I'm a wolf but everything I am seems to reject the wolf as my totem. A huge part of me wants to find some shaman to tell me if I am right but the biggest part of me tells me that I don't want to know I am wrong. I mean...I have to be. But know, sitting here typing when I think about it...I feel my spirit is a wolf...not me...not this body. Couldn’t my spirit be anything...couldn't it? Then why is your "shell" so against it...rejecting of the tenants of the wolf. No, really against that one tenant of the wolf...that pack... Maybe I am a wolf...and I am too afraid of the light to follow them. Maybe they've p-assed on and I sit there, in the spirit world crying to Gaia...to the moon for a pa ck who has left me behind. And...and why wouldn't they...one like me...afraid of the light...so stark in refusal to move forward. At least when I sleep Gaia comforts me...she loves me...and I love her. So, that's okay...no, that's wonderful. Of course, I would love to have love here...in this body. But, like I said in the previous paragraph I always fuck that up. Who am I to ask for love when I fuck it up...fuck it, I don't deserve it. Maybe some day I'll find another old soul out there who doesn't deserve love either and we'll love each other and keep each other warm in bed...and hurt each other...and cause so much pain to each other.

...and...and nothing. I have nothing else to say. Well, that's a lie...I just don't know where to go from here. Anyway, this is too long as it is...if you have read it all, thank you. Leave a comment if you wish. I'd love to hear from someone again...I'm gonna try and keep up with some posts but I've said something to that effect before with nothing coming of it so we...or I'll see. Thanks for listening this much. ... ... ... Peace

Got tagged...

2006-06-09T04:17:21Z

I got tagged by orions_tears to list 10 anime/videogame characters I find attractive and tag 5 other people afterward.

1. Yazuha (Utawarerumono)
2. Dori (Utawarerumono)
3. Gura (Utawarerumono)
4. Eruruu (Utawarerumono)
5. Aruruu (Utawarerumono)
6. Haruhara Haruko (FLCL)
7. Nagamine Mikako (Voices of a Distant Star)
8. Lucy (Elfen Lied)
9. Freya (Chobits)
10. Sango (Inuyasha)

Taggin'...umm...naede,aiko_chan2006,aphrael27,sushi_girl3101,explorer_fam

la caccia

2006-05-10T22:06:58Z

this is something from Biblebeltpagans and rereading it now, it seems so close to me again...so, I thought I'd put it here.

i miss the moon. i know, weird to say. anyway, i really do. i have watched it for the last couple days and the more i think about it the more i realize that i really do miss it. i don’t even know why, i just do. i look at it and i feel a longing. like the longing for something that you used to know...used to love but don't remember. it’s like something is blocking me and i hate it. sometimes i just want to touch the moon...or at least cry out to it. that would be weird though, wouldn’t it? yes, it would and as such i won’t do it because too many people are around here. now, if you’re a friend of mine and keep up with my soul searching through live journal you might be thinking i’m saying this just to give my claim to a wolf totem validity but please believe me when i say that i am not. i really do feel this longing and it is actually bothering me a little bit. even during the day i look up and feel the longing...even if i can’t see the moon. if you don’t believe me about how i am not trying to give my totem validity then so be it. i know the truth and if you don’t believe me then c'est la vie. anyway, that is what i wanted to say…

i describe the moon in many different ways. mainly i see it now as some ancient thing...some beautiful orb leading somewhere...by it out there or in me...or on earth. i feel something there...something powerful calling to me and i don't know what it is. i really do feel some need to touch it...i know wierd. i don't even really mean touch it physically...there is some part of me that knows how to do it...knows how to speak to the moon...and i long to do that so badly. long to cry to her and to hear her return my call. i know that sounds a lot like i am, again, trying to give my totem validity but i am not. i just feel this great longing. i want to just reach out and caress the moon...again, really wierd and maybe even slightly crazy sounding. i don't really associate the moon with the triple moon goddess because on my personal path it is not the triple moon goddess who watches over me...it is gaia. gaia is in everything...the earth and the water...the cosmos and the stars...she is in and is everything. one day i will return to her for a while and come back. i will definately try to meditate on this but sometimes it is difficult. i know my soul is trying to tell me something my head is not grasping. i hope i do learn why i long so...it is actually a little wierd...i've never felt like this.

Writing...

2006-05-07T18:38:08Z

I am going to force myself to write something original if it kills me. I'm not sure what it is going to be about but I will not rest until I have something...hopefully something I am proud of. Okay, now, I know I've said stuff like this before but this time I mean it...summer is coming up and without any other distractions in my way I know I can do this. Now, I've asked this a couple times but, who here is willing to beta for me. First of all, I am really horny right now so this is probably going to be some really strange smut. Even if it is not though, I'm sure I will swear atleast a little because this is just something for me and my "adoring" fan *listens to cricket chirping rather than fans cheering...cries*. So, if you are fine with something that is smut from me (and I'm a strange one) and/or [profuse] swearing and would like to beta, please tell me. Oh, and it may take me a while to beat my muse into submission so I can't give any kind of ATA on this story...it could come by the end of this week or by the end of next month... So, on with the freaky smut!!!

my head hurts...

2006-04-27T04:13:55Z

interview with anduril_phoenix

1. What's your favorite junk food? Hmm...not sure. If I had to answer right now I'd probably have to say banana cream cheesecake.

2. What's your biggest fear? Now here's a question I ask myself a lot. My answer is, I think, people knownig me. Knowing what is behind all the closed doors and turned off lights...finding out that I'm just some poor dog that can't cry even though it's hurt.

3. What fetish(es) do you have? Hey! That's a little personal/creepy! Oh well, I guess I am the one who signed up for the interview. Anywho, umm...fetishes... Well, I'm an assman (does that count as a fetish?) and I definately enjoy a "little" pain with my pleasure. I find blood strangely erotic and I am very, very submissive.

4. Do you like porn? Why/why not? Well, yeah, of course I do. Why, hmm, a little more difficult to answer. I guess I could say it's because I'm a guy but what kind of answer is that, right? If I have to answer now I gotta say it's because I don't have the real thing here. *devil horns*

5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what would be the one thing you'd take with you? Hmm, a little cliche' but okay, I'll answer. I could go with the cliche' "right answer," which is a boat, but to tell you the truth I don't really like people very much. Hmm, because you said one thing, which doesn't necessarily mean I have to know who/what/where it is so I'll say my soulmate...the person who is for me and only me.

Now it's your turn.

01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

something to say

2006-03-31T07:44:00Z

hmm...my contacts are bothering me today. well, one of them is...but, of course, that's not what i'm here to say, obviously. so, onto what i came here to say...or, more true to it, what i came here to bitch about. i am here to whine about my lonliness. am i really so bad? come on, some of you out there kind of know me...so, am i so bad? would you hold me...or let me hold you? oh, fuck it...does it matter? maybe i am just an asshole who can't talk and is too picky. hell, how can i be picky? i'm not good looking and i'm too stupid to ever open my mouth. i'm just the freak who stares at you from the table on the edge...come on, you know me. i'm those eyes that you feel looking at you...i usually turn away when your eyes reach toward me then you go and talk to me with your friends. ah...c'est la vie. i keep saying that i am so lonely...and i am but i don't do anything about it. i still don't open my mouth...i just stare and so far that has led two people to talk to me...and both of them left me. maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...maybe it doesn't matter...maybe nothign matters. maybe i'll just be alone forever and maybe that's the way it supposed to be. maybe there is no person out there who is the one for me. maybe all my crazy, self-hating thoughts are right...that i'm too horrible to deserve anyone. oh well, fuck it...i guess maybe some day i'll find someone...or, knowing myself, they'll find me. sick, huh? me, some wierdo freak expecting someone who is willing to be with me to find me...and hell, i am picky about it too. i know what i want and i am not one to compromise that. is that wrong? should i compromise...lower my standards and take whatever comes my way? i ask myself that a million times a day and i always come up with the same answer...i don't know. god, sometimes i really think i don't know anything. i'm an idiot...i mean that. i know some knowledge anybody could read from a book but what's that worth...nothing, that's what it's worth. abso-fucking-lutely nothing. i can't talk, especially about myself...i know i have a million and a half problems but i don't do anything about it. i can write...that's just about it. truly, that's all i have that i can do...i can write and, in the end, i'll probably end up nothing...some asshole in a cubicle...still dreaming about the book i never wrote and, like i've said a couple times, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. god, i don't even know what compelled me to write this tonight...i've starting this a million times but i've never finished it...hell, i've never even gotten four lines in but here it is...a little bit of my bitching. i hope i can grow some balls and start to write on here more...but, most likely, i won't. i'll start everything i want to write a million times and in the end most of them will never become anything...they'll stay little fucked up ideas in my fucked up head. i'll stay the guy who has no balls...but that's neither here nor there. so, i'm done bitching...for now...for god knows how long. comment if you feel like it but if you don't, then fuck it...oh, and i'm just telling anyone who reads here that i'm gonna swear a lot in future writing because this is my fucking journal and if i want to swear then c'est la fucking vie. anywho, i'm done...peace!

i feel bad...and sorry for the length

2006-03-21T06:26:28Z

not for any reason other than for the fact that i don't care. i know that doesn't make sense but to me it does. i just don't care...about anything... i read my dear diary story and i don't know where it came from. it was...is awesome. i'm going to write another flcl story...or try. if i don't...or can't it doesn't matter because right now nothing does. god, i'm such an asshole. i really am...i want to say why but i feel like even more of an asshole for not saying it...not saying anything. do i ever say anything? i'm just wondering. i know i don't say much here...nothing much at all...ever. it is just a bunch of nothing...little quizzes and things like that even though i want to pour it all out. i always get on here an dlook at the screen and think of saying something real...but i don't. because i'm weak and scared...because it will sound stupid...becuase of something but right now i just don't care. i didn't even know i didn't care until right now...well right after i read my dear diary story which is the best thing i've ever written...ever read. it was just beautiful and it made perfect sense and it made no sense. god, i would kill for a guitar that never moves and a girl that never cries to come for me in a town where nothing happens but not yet. hell...nothing yet. i am so sorry to whoever cares about me...for listening to this bullshit...for listening to me. i'm gonna keep writing on here but i hope i keep not caring because then this really becomes a journal...then i really write. that's when my muse is one with me...or me with him...oh, hell, it doesn't even matter. that's when i write dear diary for a story and i love it and it feels so right. i am so sorry naede...i told you i am an asshole. i really just don't care right now and i don't think i will for a while. i'm happy to be friends and happy you care about me. please don't hate me because that'll hurt me...even now when i don't care...i mean just because i don't care doesn't mean i don't feel. i just don't want to hurt you any more...and i will now that i don't care and that i'm going to make this a real journal. i'm just goign to write and not going to care...because i need to. so, again, naede i am so sorry i loved you and i know how bad that sounds and i hope you don't take it like that. what i mean is that if i never loved you i would never have hurt you...or maybe i didn't. god i hope i didn't. please tell me you never loved me. i just don't want to hurt you...hate me if you want actually...just hate me and tell me you never loved me. tora...i say i'm sorry to you to because, like with naede i loved you to and still do but i don't care so i will hurt you even more if i pretend that i do....or try to keep caring about you and be myself...my true dark, stupid, hateful, hurtful, not caring, dumb, bastard self... so, please...find someone else...find someone worthy of you. worthy of your greatness...be yourself and you will get the best the world has to offer...you and naede both deserve nothing less...hell, you deserve more than the world has to offer but, sadly for you, you must take that...because, obviously, it is the best the world has to offer. how could you even want me...i mean really...it has been a while since i've really said anything on here but in truth i am dumb...and cold and silent and hurtful and obviously deserve nothing... i should never love...i don't deserve it...please, though, if you ever did care about me i implore with all of my black heart that you do not say anythign to try and bring to somewhere else...to where i was. where i said nothign....because though this life is perhaps worse for me it is mine...this is who i am at my core and i don't even know why i'm dropping the facade...i actually thought of running rather than speaking. not literally running but making a new account on lj and just disappearing from here. please, friends don't hate me but don't try to change me...i've lost 1 love that way...she tried to change me and i just don't do it...i don't change. i hope to one day maybe find someone like me...who deserves nothing and together it won't matter and nothing will change and we can be happy together...maybe. again, i am so sorry for you naede and tora...please, please don't hate me. move on and, if you can, stay a friend to me... god, i am a sick bastard aren't i...i tell them i don't want to be with them because i'm a bastard and then turn and implore their good hearts to stay friends with me... god, i don't even deserve that. hate me if you must but i implore with whatever value i have that you let me be myself...don't try to change me because i don't deserve the time of day because, the truth is that i don't want to change. i know it is a sick idea...that someone would want to be like this and, hell, that's not even it...i just feel right here. feel like this is where i belong and everyone who has ever tried to change me has been hurt in some way...or left before they were hurt so i implore with whatever care you...any of my friends here has for me that none of you try to change me. hate me if you must but please leave me be where i am. stay my friend if you wish but do not, i repeat do not try to change me because i've never changed...for the better. perhaps one day i will but today and tomorrow and a thousand tomorrows after that won't be it...so please don't waste your time. i will perhaps one day find someone for me but as of now i haven't found the right one. i can love and do love...i love cody and naede and tora but none of you are right and i am sorry to have hid for so long. this is me and i understand it's bad but it's me and i really, truely do not want to drag someone with me so please, if you ever cared for me at all do not love me now as anything more than a friend. please...truely, forgive my bastardness (or, hell, don't) and leave me where i am and stay a friend, if you wish but do not try to be more. all i can use right now, from you people (meaning my friends here) is a friend. i hope to either someday escape my self-imposed fate but right now it is not in my cards and you, my friends, can not change my hand. so, one last time, i implore all of my friends do leave me where i am and stay my friends and i implore that naede and tora leave me be and be, at most, friends to me. i do beg that both of you forgive me my sins (my love for you) but if it is not possible to forgive the wounds i may have inflicted i beg that you leave me here and walk away. if, by some maracle of your hearts, you do forgive me then please please PLEASE be friends to me and ask for nothing more. i am sorry i ever loved you...i truely am and i mean that in the best way possible. you are not the one person for me and only me and i can not let you think i am the one person for you and only you. perhaps, the person for me and only is out there but you are not it and i can not and will not drag you down with me and you will not change me so do not attempt to do thus. every fiber of my being begs you forget any love you had for me that went beyond friendship... so...from now on...my journal will be thus...a journal as i would write in it...rambling and scratches of writings here and there but i will attempt thus to remove quizes and such and to keep my mask away. i hope to be myself here...as it should be. i hope atleast some of you stay friends with me but if not, ah, c'est la vie. again, i know sounding like the broken record i don't want to, i implore with all that i am that anyone who loved me forget your love and make it into, at most, friendship because, though i may love you, i will not drag you to my truth with me and i, again, beg with all that i am that no one try to change me because i am who i am...so, to recap, once again, i am as sorry as anyone can be to you, naede and tora, please leave me be and, if somehow you can, forgive me my sin... now, if anyone is still here to read this...i do hope to some day find the one person for me and only me but thus i have not but, perhaps, if the fates somehow decide to shine on me and bring me to the person for me and only me then, again perhaps, i can be happy...but again, the person for me and only me is not with me nor known to me. one last time, if you are still reading, PLEASE forget any love you had for me naede and tora...i am not the person for you and only you and i implore with all that i am and all the love and care you ever had for me that you forget your love and care, beyond the reaches of friendship, for me and go and find the one that is for you and only you. please, do not keep loving me because i refuse to accept it and i know how much unaccepted love hurts and would never wish any pain on you (even though i have already hurt you)... *goes to the corner and curls up in a ball crying and hopes the words written here are heeded*

ganked from novice_witch

2006-03-17T22:22:06Z

1. Elaborate on your default icon.
it kind of shows my feelings

2. What your current relationship status?
confusing

3. What exactly are you wearing right now?
blue shorts, a black tanktop with a blue outlined dragon on it, blue thong

4. What is your current problem?
who do i love?

5. What do you love most?
i'm not sure...that's my problem

6. What makes you most happy?
Talking to Tora

7. Are you musically inclined?
not even close

8. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
i'm not sure...

9. Ever have a near-death experience?
not really

10. Name an obvious quality you have.
i'm crazy

11. What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now?
"Devil Went Down to Georgia"

12. Any celeb you would marry?
Angelina Jolie (for more reasons than looks)

13. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
not sure...April 15th

14. Do you have a crush on someone?
yes...returning to my question

15. Have you ever vandalized someone’s private property?
what!

16. Have you ever been in a fight?
yes

17. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
i couldn't find enough deaf people

18. What’s the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
ass

19. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
i don't drink coffee, why would i go to starshmucks

20. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
yes

21. Say something totally random about yourself.
i find thongs comfortable

22. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
no

23. Do you wear a watch?
if i have one...i loose them a lot though

24. Do you have anything pierced?
no...not right now

25. Do you have any tattoos?
1...so far

26. Do you like pain?
actually, yes

27. Do you like to shop?
not really

28. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
i just paid my sister money i owed her

29. What was the last thing you paid for with a credit card?
a carton of reds

30. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
my sister

31. What is on your desktop background?
a wolf picture...but i'm gonna change it

32. What is the background on your cell phone?
an x-ray flower

33. Do you like redheads?
depends on the person really

34. Do you know any twins?
no

35. Do you have any weird relatives?
my entire family is wierd

36. What was the last movie you watched?
Star Wars: Episode III

37. What was the last book you read?
not sure

38. Did you or are you planning to go to college?
i am in college

39. What is your favorite pair of pants that you own?
i like most of my pants

40. Do you like to party?
no

41. Where do you see yourself in five years?
writing a novel with my someone somewhere near me

My List

2006-03-12T06:16:55Z

Top Commenters on lynxyoukai's LiveJournal
(Self comments excluded from rankings)

1	anduril_phoenix	365
2	naede	80
3	Anonymous	62
4	southernrequiem	39
5	missy_mercury	30
6	orions_tears	24
7	randomposting	22
8	silverhawk100	17
9	sushi_girl3101	14
10	explorer_fam	12
11	azzysangel	8
12	zenogias_r	8
13	aiko_chan2006	6
14	blurredserenity	6
15	sarcastic32	6
16	23886	5
17	theunheardmusic	4
18	liccoricetree	4
19	dnlr	3
20	mel_n_choly	3
21	ravenofroses	2
22	moonchild_aiko	2
23	aphrael27	2
24	seaouryou	1
25	meanstreak_2099	1
26	enigmaforsometh	1
27	vaginaltear	1
28	frippychick	1
29	eir	1
30	orc	1

Total Commenters: 31 (1 not shown)
Total Comments: 1347
Report generated 3/12/2006 1:16:17 AM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.7

i know, i know...i should be writing something real...but still :P

2006-02-21T09:20:16Z

Fandom Meme

Pick ten characters from which you would like to get a note. List them. THEN, it's up to your friends to pick a character, and write a note as if they were that character. You can have more than one note from a particular character, and a friend can post as more than one character. If you leave a Note, post this on your LJ. Or post it on your journal without leaving a note. It really doesn't matter, does it? Go!

1.Alucard (Hellsing)
2.Hannibal (oh, come on, you know where)
3.Chi (Chobits)
4.Freya/Dark Chi (Chobits)
5.Lucien (Underworld)
6.Amelia (Underworld/Underworld 2)
7.Kouga (Inuyasha)
8.Sango (Inuyasha)
9.Haruko (FLCL)
10.Old Man Coyote (umm...this is coyote...you know? THE Coyote)

the most cliche' question of all in the chobits fandom

2006-02-16T21:39:58Z

do you think it is okay to love a persocom? what about a chobit? okay, onto those of you who haven't seen chobits. a persocom is like a computer...it's a...umm..easiest way to explain it would be robot. it is a computer that looks like a person (unless it is a mobile unit -- they're really little) and in the anime a lot of people have fallen in love with one...at one time or another and i was wondering if you all thought that was right...or sick...or whatever. personally, i think it is fine...i mean you can't choose who...or what in this situation...that you fall in love with. however, they are just robots...but they seem to show emotion and really care...again, though, you can program as such. obviously, this is kind of an ongoing thing throughout the show...the question, is it right or wrong? okay, whatever your views are on a persocom and a person being together i am now going to throw a whole new wrench into the situation. a chobit is a persocom that has free will...it does feel and think for itself...not just a program telling it how to act (if the persocoms that aren't chobits even run on that alone -- i think they are more than just a computer but enough of that). so, they are machines...but not. they are machines with a heart...that might be the easiest way to explain that. in the anime there is only really one chobit that we know about...or think we know is a chobit. but, before i go and give you way too much, what are your views on a chobit and a human being in love?

oh, and p.s. i think, as i said earlier, that love is not always our choice and we will love who we are meant to...whether or not they are human...so, i definately have no problem with loving a persocom, or, obviously, a chobit.

Will i ever truely know?

2006-02-13T22:39:17Z

i dream of wolves and feel as a wolf but know i hold the characteristics of a cat. of course, if you know me you probably can already tell that i am again questioning my totem. right now i am looking closely at a couple different cats. i am going to place some info about the totems and i am imploring that my friends read the info and tell me what they think. if you don't want to then don't...but i would be happy if you would.

COUGAR
Leadership

Watching the Cougar (also known in other cultures and regions as either
Puma or Mountain Lion) one is keenly aware of the formidable grace and power that is reflected in every stride taken or leap made. And yet the sense is that the Cougar has a conscious awareness of his strength and the potential to inflict great harm with very little effort, a fact that is reflected in the tenderness with which the female cougar treats her young as a mouth that can easily crush bones is also capable of exceptional gentleness as she bathes her cubs.

Adults can weigh in anywhere between 100 - 200 lbs., with an average
length of 48 - 60 inches with an additional 28 inches of tail. They are renowned jumpers, possessing the ability to leap 30 feet horizontally and up to 18 feet vertically, a testimony to the powerful leg muscles of these magnificent creature beings.

***For the two-legged beside whom Cougar strides, there will exist an inherent power and strength that is the very core of their Being. These are incredibly powerful individuals, though such power is gifted via a process of trial and error as the Cougar soul learns the difference between using such formidable power, and abusing it.

Most Cougar individuals have an inner respect and understanding of their
own abilities and hence, will generally not throw their weight around unless they are either backed into a corner from which there is no obvious escape, or unless they are operating from an extremely damaged or unintegrated Personality Center. Yet for those who begin wielding such a gift in a reckless manner, many painful encounters and situations will arise that may initially perplex the one who walks with Cougar, bringing losses in fortune, falls from positions of leadership or even public humiliation and/or scandal. Eventually, the unintegrated Mountain Lion will reflect upon the choices that have led him/her to such losses and embarrassments
and, in new found humility, they will recognize the Lessons behind such experiences and (in most instances) modify their behavior and beliefs accordingly.

One of the hallmark characteristics of the Cougar Soul, is an innate quest to
reach the best within themselves. It matters not whether they reach the top of the corporate ladder, excel academically, or are the leader of a cherished cause, these individuals will exude the sense that they are meant to be in the role of leader.

Interestingly however, most two-leggeds beside whom Cougar pads, will be reluctant leaders and will often find themselves at the top of the chain of command during an emergency or crisis when less capable individuals collapse around them. Seeing what needs to be done and acting accordingly, the Mountain Lion will stabilize the unbalanced situation and perform damage control. This capacity to calmly assess and rectify problem situations will not go unnoticed, and here again may lie a challenge for the Cougar soul.

Because they generally make reluctant admirals (at least initially), the one that journeys with Mountain Lion may appear somewhat unimpressed with gaining the same promotion that may be jealously coveted by their peers. Such apparent indifference is often misinterpreted as arrogance, and petty envy amongst co-workers often surfaces as a result.

When Cougar Soul can embrace in humility and grace his/her Gift of
Leadership and wield such power with compassion and strength, the leap is made to a higher plane of unity with the Soul’s Unique Purpose for incarnating.***

Standing Behind Convictions

Most cultures that have Cougar as one of several key figures of their lore
recognize this beautiful cat as a creature of great strength, cunning and power. And in observing the Mountain Lion in the wild, it is easy to see where such tales of prowess stem from as they utilize not only their strength alone, but also employ their intelligence and stealth.

By looking at the solid and long form of the Cougar, it becomes apparent that these cats are designed for multiple tasks, as their large paws bespeak of an ability to traverse a wide variety of terrain from grassy paths to high granite walls. Their long, thick tails assist them with balancing in precarious positions and heights, while their muscular legs propel them higher and longer in leaps than any other cat. Such a diverse design hints at the ability these animals have to gain dominance over their environment and maneuver in areas virtually inaccessible to other creatures of the wild.

***As Cougar is sure-footed atop their canyon and desert perches, so is the
two-legged beside whom Cougar strides, certain of his/her approach to life. Much like their Totem Spirit, the human counterpart will exude an aura of quiet strength that will make an impression upon Others.

The impression made will almost always be one of respect and/or
admiration, though the Cougar Soul seems to elicit extreme responses in Others. While some peers encountered taking an instant liking to the Cougar individual, while others will feel immediately threatened by the strong presence and hence an immediate and vehement dislike may ensue.

Yet all who come to know the individual beside whom Mountain Lion
journeys will tend to agree that these are souls that stand firm in their beliefs and convictions. These are the sort of people who appear to have a moral fiber made of bedrock as they will seldom waver or be badgered from their beliefs.

Although their moral/spiritual beliefs may not necessarily be “traditional,”
they will have a set of self-imposed code of ethics and morality that they will stand firmly behind. These granite philosophies are part of what makes these individuals so highly trusted by friends, family and those who know the strength of character the Cougar soul exhibits.

Conversely, there will be an equal number of detractors that would love
nothing more than to see Mountain Lion tumult from a position of great height, as perhaps their own honesty and conviction pales in comparison to the Cougar’s lofty spirituality. Such individuals who are operating from a point of insecurity deeply rooted in a unintegrated Personality Center, will tend to project their own unresolved issues off onto the Cougar soul, rather than examine where they may improve and enrich their own lives by living in closer accordance with their own belief system.

When challenged on their morals or beliefs, the Cougar individual will
become much like the Mountain Lion defending his/her territory, and an ordinarily placid two-legged can come out with fangs bared when backed into a corner. Such attacks on their beliefs are capable of cutting right to the core of the Cougar soul, as these are honorable people that do their upmost to be trustworthy, dependable and honest.

If a two-legged with Cougar as a Totem is operating from the Shadow or
~Contrary Medicine,~ there may exist a tendency to be dogmatic in their practices or beliefs, holding very little patience for philosophy or belief systems different from their own. Yet this is rare, as most Mountain Lion’s respect the “spiritual territories” of others almost as much as they guard their own right to think and believe as they see fit.

For the two-legged operating from the Higher Octave of Cougar Medicine, the men are the knights in shining armor of eras long past that live and defend the values of trust, honesty, faithfulness and honor. The female Cougars are the ~Earth Mothers~ that exude an aura of Oneness with the All and a deep reverence for the environment. In both the male and female, a profound connection and respect for the ancient customs and traditions of indigenous people will be felt and expressed, though they themselves may not have been born with Native American blood and remind Others of the importance of respect for the Wisdom of the Elders.***

Balance

As previously stated, the Cougar is the top cat when it comes to leaps of
distance and height. This is due to both the strong leg muscles these felines possess, as well as the balancing weight of their tails.

Most often, the Mountain Lion (true to one of its names) dwells atop lofty
perches in mountains and canyons, as well as high desert mesas. Such heights as these animals dwell requires sure-footedness and grace of movement, and herein their long and thick tails are employed to assist with balance as is required of those who exist in such precarious terrain. Acting as a highly effective counterbalance, the Cougar’s tail assists in steadying them as they walk along the narrow pathways and crevices etched from the granite and sandstone cliffs in which these beautiful creature beings call home.

***For the two-legged with Cougar as a Primary Totem, the keyword of
Balance becomes crucial in integrating a ~holistic~ Mind/Body & Spirit approach. Although these individuals are by nature very sensual and “earthy” types (and as such there will be an emphasis on their physical ~Self~), they are also keenly aware of the needs of the mind and soul as well. If the Cougar Soul is in good physical shape yet is not developing his/her spiritual side, or conversely, if the one beside whom Mountain Lion stalks is involved in spiritual learning and growth but they don’t exercise their body or mind, the unbalance will be more keenly felt than it would be for other individuals. The result is that there will be much inner turmoil
and stress with the questioning of “what is missing in my life?” becoming a predominant pondering.

The best form of physical exercise for the Cougar individual would be one
that takes into consideration the Whole Self (again, Mind/Body and Spirit). An excellent example of such well targeted exercise for the Mountain Lion, would be Yoga, or perhaps Ti-chi, as these are both forms of exercise that employ All levels of the Self . . . the body is in movement, the energy centers are being stimulated and aligned, and the mind is in deep focus or meditation.

If you are a Cougar Soul and are currently feeling “out of alignment,” pay attention to this feeling and heed it, for this is precisely what is occurring. Stop and take an honest evaluation of your life and your approach to this Journey. What are you neglecting, or what areas of your life and expression are you over-indulging in? Because Balance is such a key for you, it is crucial for your development that you become aware of your keen need for a WHOLE approach to life.

Are there certain individuals that are draining you of your energy, freedom or right to express yourself in a healthy and meaningful manner? If so, then those relationships need to also be evaluated in detached honesty. Because of your powerful, yet unassuming nature, there will be those that will seek to undermine your confidence and balance. If this is the case, confrontation, restructuring of relationships or even some “endings” may be in order.

The art of Balancing your life ought to be approached in stages however, as it is also quite characteristic of the Mountain Lion individual to immediately leap into action and attempt to take on too much at once. The key here is moderate and progressive steps forward. No matter how long the journey takes, and regardless of the occasional step or two “backward,” so long as more movement is made forward than back, the Journey is being walked and the goal is drawing ever nearer. Remember, we all arrive exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to be there.***

Messenger between Humans & The Divine Beings

Native American lore holds the Cougar as the champion of the two-legged
who presents the humans “case” to the ~One Above.~ Acting as the emissary on behalf of we of the two-leggeds, Cougar asks for forgiveness for our follies and misbehavers while carrying messages between human and the Divine.

Because Humans are capable of intentional and unprovoked violence, spite,
hatred and other emotions and behaviors not witnessed in the Creature Beings, the task of emissary for Cougar can be a challenging one. He/she must find the Light at the center of the darkness, the beauty and grace that lives beyond the sometimes tangled core of the human personality center.

For his faithful guidance and support of we humans, he is revered amongst
many tribes, and given thanks for acting on our behalf. His belief in us a faith that may best be reciprocated in acts of kindness to All Life, compassion and embracing in understanding the surface and transitory ~differences~ of spiritual beliefs, race or economic background of our fellow two-leggeds. In this manner, we show our thankfulness for his faith and trust in us.

***Cougar Spirit will travel beside a two-legged who possesses a keen insight and perception. This insight may surface via an ~extra-sensory-perception,~ or it may firmly rooted in a more ~practical~ understanding of the human psyche and subconscious mind. Both mediums and psychotherapists are often found with Cougar as a Primary Animal Ally.

The Mountain Lion Soul will often be a bridge of understanding between
two diametrically opposed individuals, factions or groups as theirs is the Medicine of Emissary. As such, others will often turn to them for their non-partial perspective as the Cougar individual is quite capable of seeing all sides of any given situation. Then, when he/she becomes connected with a cause or belief, they make excellent, out-spoken proponents of such a cause and hence are outstanding spokespersons for a variety of ventures which capture their attention.

While such Medicine brings the Gift of harmony between opposites, the
individual with Cougar as a Totem will often find him/herself in the middle of an argument, attempting to bring understanding and equilibrium to both “sides.” This is a beautiful trait when it is the Cougar’s conscious choice to become involved, yet the challenge is that the two-legged beside whom Mountain Lion walks may often find themselves immersed without a conscious decision to do so. Friends, family even strangers may take advantage of their inherent drive to be a mediator, and in those moments, the Cougar Soul may suddenly find themselves the target of attack from either side, becoming the “middle person” in an entirely uncomfortable sense of the word!

By establishing clear boundaries and guidelines with Others as to when and
by how much, they are willing to act as a “go between,” the Cougar individual is fulfilling his/her principle Medicine of Messenger without falling victim to the unresolved issues and grievances of Others. As the Cougar grows from cub to adult (spiritually/metaphorically speaking), the lessons learned in defining boundaries assists as they fulfill their Medicine of Messenger and teach Others the power of understanding and harmony.***-

JAGUAR
Shamanism

The Jaguar carries with him/her a long history in the lore and mythology of several indigenous cultures. In particular, the Mayans held the Jaguar in high esteem, viewing this spotted panther as the Totem Spirit of the Sky God.

Many who have heard of the Mayan Jaguar Priests (Shamans), may have images of gruesome human sacrifices as their only frame of reference for what was a highly complex and intricate belief system. Although it is true that the teaching of the Sky God became perverted and twisted by subsequent generations, to see the Mayan spirituality of centuries past as nothing more than savagery or barbarism is (at best) an ill-informed view.

It is said that a Great Being came to the Mayan people from the stars, and taught them that the greatest of all virtues was integrity. He instructed the people in the beauty of unconditional love, forgiveness, peace and to be honorable and trustworthy. The teachings were of the sacrificial heart, the willingness to give freely of one’s self and one’s material belongings in order to benefit both the individual and the collective ~All.~ Generations later, it is believed that the sacrificial heart became literal (to those who would twist the Sky God’s teachings) as a bloody sacrifice wherein the heart of the victim would be taken from the body and given to the Jaguar Spirit in the hopes of appeasing the Sky God.

The sacrifices had the opposite of their desired effect and, instead of pleasing the Sky God, angered him. To instruct the people that such ways were not a part of hs teaching, the Sky God then sent the Jaguar Spirit to prowl the dreams of the two-leggeds. Where the Jaguar found hearts blackened with hatred, greed or dishonesty, he would haunt those unfortunate souls, relentlessly stalking them until they embraced the wisdom of integrity and transformed their lives. Those who resisted, were met with the vengeance of the Jaguar, and the Animal Totem’s relentless pursuit during the Dreamtime would often cause the human to transition from fright.

***For the two-legged beside whom Jaguar walks, the Earthwalk will be a process of reconnecting to the ~Shaman Within.~

Although born with a heightened sense of awareness and a powerful gift of extrasensory perception (ESP), the Jaguar Soul will generally only come to embrace his/her “gifts” after many years of struggling with the benefits and responsibilities associated with these gifts. This is because there is still much stigma attached to the arena of ESP and associated abilities.

When first emerging on the Red Road of Physical Life, the Jaguar individual will be a wide-open vessel through which Great Mystery may flow. These souls will hear, see or feel things that are non-physical in nature. Not knowing that they may be looked upon with great suspicion for the things that they are able to perceive which others may not be able to, the one beside whom Jaguar pads will convey their experiences freely at first. Yet due to lack of awareness and out-dated belief systems that might be present on the behalf of parents, care givers or teachers, the child with these special abilities soon learns to keep such arcane knowledge and insight to him/herself. This guardedness (and eventual rejection of their psychic talents), is usually precipitated when the adults that are a part of the young Jaguar’s life, react in fear, disbelief or anger. The youngster learns that sharing their insight often leads to being scolded for “imagining things,” reprimanded for “lying,” or perhaps worst of all, being treated with fear as the adult either believes the child to be “evil” or even mentally ill for seeing or hearing things that “aren’t really there.”

Yet because the Role of the one beside whom Jaguar journeys is that of Shaman, the destiny of their ~calling~ cannot be denied indefinitely. Eventually, events in the life of the Jaguar soul will force him/her to confront, embrace and integrate the gifts they have been given by the Original Source.

Shamans serve as a bridge between the Blue Road of Spirit and the Red Road of Physical Life, and as such, hear, see and/or communicate with the “Spirit World.” A Shaman fulfills the Role of priest/priestess, healer, spiritual advisor, teacher of arcane wisdom, outspoken sage and silent observer.

As healer, the Shaman assists the healing process (be this spiritual, emotional, mental or physical in nature), via the application of Medicine. This Medicine is gathered from the Plant People (herbs), the Standing People (trees), the Animal Totems, the Stone People (crystals and other “rocks” such as turquoise, etc.), as well as from their own personal Medicine.

Often just as difficult (and of equal importance) for the Jaguar to embrace, is the ability to communicate freely with the Totems, the spirits of the Ancestors, or those who walk the Blue Road. Whether this ability takes the form of seeing into the future, reading the aura of others, or channeling knowledge from the “other side,” these souls must eventually embrace the ability to see/feel/hear beyond what most others are able. Only by owning and expressing the abilities that have been gifted them, may the one beside whom Jaguar strides fulfill their assignment which they have agreed to prior to taking up the Robe of Physical Life.***

Integration

It is in looking at the Jaguar’s beautiful coat of tan speckled with black
rosettes that we witness an example of the Medicine of Integration in ~visible~ form. When studying the Creature Beings in either their physical or spiritual form, it is important to notice the color(s) of that Creature’s skin/feathers/hide, for much will be revealed in so doing. Where/when we observe a Totem whose skin, feathers or hide has dual or multiple coloration, this bespeaks of the Medicine of Integration. An other example (aside from that of Jaguar) of this principle would be Orca, whose skin is black and white. In the instance of Leopard, Clouded Leopard and Jaguar, the base color of the fur is tan with an overlaying of black spots or rosettes, hence all three of these spotted cats will have Integration as one of the Keywords to their Medicine.

***The human blessed with Jaguar as a primary Animal Spirit, will be
presented with a series of lessons structured to teach him/her the process of integration. In order that the two-legged may more fully embrace this aspect of Jaguar Medicine, he/she will experience a variety of scenarios created to facilitate the absorption of this complex principle. Integration is the key element in learning any lesson, and then applying that lesson to our life, yet it is also the Medicine of embracing perceived opposites.

Chaotic events will be much in evidence in the life of the Jaguar Soul,
events that will necessitate that the human counterpart go within in order to sift through the chaos and painful lessons, so that clarity and higher vision may be attained. The challenge here is frequently found under the guise of a sense of isolation, as the Jaguar individual quickly learns that he/she can only rely on the Self. This is a component that assists these souls in the process of self-actualization, for the Jaguar must first accomplish a requisite level of this Medicine him/herself.

Earth Medicine recognizes life as a continuous circle, or a Sacred Hoop.
The acknowledgment is made that our journey in the physical realm is equal parts darkness and light, experiences of both joy and pain, bitter and sweet. While we might perceive these elements as opposites, the are in reality merely two halves that constitute the Whole, each representative of the experiences necessary for our soul’s evolution.

When examining any totem with the Medicine of Integration, we witness individuals that are journeying around the Wheel of Life to first learn, then teach, that separation is but an illusion. Often, the one beside whom Jaguar prowls will feel separate from the rest of humanity. A loner as a child, who may initially relate more easily with the creature beings than their fellow two-leggeds, these souls will mature into extreme individualists as adults. These will be the members of society that will feel as though they are on the outside looking in . . . on family, friends, society and even life itself.

The aforementioned sense of “not belonging” or fitting in, is a reflection of the Jaguar’s attunement to other realms of existence, for there is always an aspect of the two-legged with whom Jaguar walks that hears, sees or feels the presence of non-physical energy (spirits, totems, etc.) Such heightened awareness of other planes and dimensions (while living in a very material/physical world), can often create a dilemma for these individuals, as he/she struggles to integrate the realms of pure energy with that of the physical, the seen with the unseen.

Once the Jaguar soul comes to understand and embrace the awareness that one existence does not negate the validity of the other and the illusion of separatism is dissolved, these souls come to recognize that they are here to serve as a conduit between realms . . . then the Jaguar Mission has been embraced and the Medicine of Integration is beautifully learned, to be shared and passed along to those taking their first steps on the Beautiful Journey.***

Shapeshifting

From the earliest of recorded histories, numerous cultures and societies have passed along the belief in shapeshifting. Shamans of all spiritual beliefs have practiced shapeshifting (also known as transmorphing) for millennia. Holy men and women from cultures as diverse as the Druids of ancient Ireland and Britain, to nearly every tribe of North and South American Indian, have ceremonies and rituals designed to elicit the shapeshifting experience.

Shapeshifting will generally be sought in one of two different forms, that of spiritual shifting, or that of shifting the actual physical shape, yet it is physical shapeshifting that most Shamans will spend a lifetime learning and striving to attain.

Spiritual transmorphing is the process of seeking to merge with a particular Animal Totem on the soul level, so that a complete union of souls might be experienced. The purpose behind this form of ~shifting~ is multifarious, as the participant seeks to both honor the Creature Being with whom the shifting is sought, as well as to align with the Medicine of that particular Animal Spirit. Equally, guidance may be received from the Totem whilst the spiritual transmorphing takes place, that may assist the two-legged through their journey around the Sacred Hoop of Life.

For the Shaman who has been taught (and has the innate ability) to physically shapeshift, the experience is not only one of a spiritual nature, but culminates in the two-legged physically transforming his/her body into that of a chosen Creature Being. Lifetimes are often devoted to this practice, and often without reaping the sought for result. Yet when one has truly attained the Gift of Shifting Shape, thanks and honor are always offered to the Creature Being whose shape the Shaman assumes. Physical shapeshifting brings the participant into complete alignment with the Medicine of the Totem. The shapeshifter is then able to see all dimensions and realms experientially through the eyes of a particular Totem, or is able to hear with the ears of the Jaguar, the sounds of the Ancestors voices as ~They~ guide and instruct humanity.

***The human counterpart of the Jaguar Spirit, will carry with him/her the Medicine of shapeshifting. This may mean the inherent ability to shapeshift in the manner listed above, or this ability may manifest as the drive and ability to continually reshape the conditions, experiences, psychology and reality of their existence.

From early childhood, the Jaguar individual will exhibit the desire for near constant change. An innate desire to understand the mysteries of life will be much in evidence with the young Jaguar cub and they may be some of the youngest students of earth medicine, astrology, witchcraft or other arcane studies. Whilst their peers are busy with sports and socializing, the Jaguar cub will be immersed in understanding mysteries that others may perceive as “dark” or dangerous.

For some young Jaguars, the exploration of the metaphysical can sometimes include dabbling with “black magic.” When operating from lower personality center as an adult, the interest in the destructive side of magickal knowledge and practice will continue and intensify, with these individuals becoming amongst the most powerful of sorcerers and sorceresses. In this instance, the inheritance of Jaguar Magic is distorted and misused as a tool to manipulate, harm or intimidate others, to achieve worldly success at the expense of their own soul’s development, or to control matter for willful or selfish purposes. A Jaguar soul operating from such contrary Medicine may initially meet with their desired goals, yet at some stage in their spiritual development, they will be required to shapeshift into channeling their unique talents as they were intended when gifted . . . for the benefit of the All and from unconditional love, else their abilities will be stripped from them. When operating from “positive” Medicine, the Jaguar soul will utilize their magical talents for the benefit of others and will be amongst the most accurate psychics, seers, shamans and healers.

Throughout their journey around the Sacred Hoop of Life, the Jaguar soul will encounter numerous scenarios set up by the psyche as a means to facilitate transformation. Yet shapeshifting in the early stages of Jaguar development is never easy. These are the individuals that will drive themselves to the point of physical, mental or emotional exhaustion until the breaking point is reached. Then, once they have burned themselves to the ground, they will arise much like the Phoenix of legend, in a new form with new eyes and a new cycle awaiting them.

Until the lesson of conscious change is thoroughly embraced, the human with Jaguar as a Primary Totem will experience chaotic events and emotional traumas that have been brought about by their own unconscious effort to force the change their soul recognizes is necessary. Yet once the Jaguar soul comes to awareness of this tendency and learns to create the necessary change consciously, and without the high drama that was indulged in earlier in life, the power of the transformation is splendid to behold. Then, the shapeshifter may emerge in the light of conscious awareness, an teacher by example to others of the beauty of a soul unfolding.***

Integrity

When the Sky God came to the Mayan People, he brought with him the Universal Principle of Integrity, and instructed the people to operate always from a center of unconditional love, honesty and compassion. He taught the people that they must live by a code of conduct that would be impeccable, and that they should seek to benefit and care for one another, to live in harmony with the planet and all other life forms.

Just prior to his departure from Earth (when he felt that the people had been thoroughly instructed in the principles of integrity), the Sky God told the people he would return from the stars one day to see if they were living by those principles in order that they may become a part of the Universal Tribe. He further informed the people that he would leave behind his Animal Spirit, the Jaguar, that it would watch over them and keep him informed as to their conduct and behavior toward one another and all other living things.

As mentioned previously, the generations following the Sky God’s
departure witnessed a distortion of his teachings so that the sacrificial heart came to be literal, with the Mayan Jaguar Priests making human sacrifices in which the human heart was offered up to the Jaguar Spirit. So displeased with the actions of cruelty and the warping of the pure and honorable principles that had been given them, the Jaguar began to prowl the dreams of the people in search of those who had twisted the teachings of the Sky God, those whose hearts were blackened with lust for power, irreverence for life, or who were otherwise dishonorable. Upon finding one who was thus depraved, the Jaguar would relentlessly stalk them in the Dreamtime until the perpetrator would either re-align him/herself with the principles of integrity, or until the soul of that two-legged departed the Earth plane for retribution in the spirit world.

***There will be a large emphasis on Integrity in the life of the two-legged beside whom Jaguar strides. The Jaguar Soul’s life will be lead from a standpoint of a moral belief system that is structured to remind the human counterpart of the necessity of operating from truth, valor, honor and respect for the All.

A palpable purity of essence to these individuals will be felt by others who come to know the Jaguar Spirit. The Jaguar individual him/herself will not think about their character or moral fiber, but will merely follow the instruction of an inner voice that is constantly guiding them to operate from a place of fidelity and ~decency.~

In order that the one beside whom Jaguar journeys may successfully
integrate mind, body and soul, their life will be structured in such a way as to develop an inner core of honor, valor, probity and reliability. The lessons in integrity will frequently arrive in the form of relationships with others who may be operating from double-standards. In these instances, the Jaguar’s partner will expect complete faithfulness and commitment from the Jaguar individual, yet will then demand that no such similar “restrictions” be placed on themselves. Or the lesson may surface as experiences with friends, co-workers or siblings who may either take the credit for the Jaguar soul’s work, ~good deed,~ ideas, or selfless acts, or whom may shuffle off responsibility for their own “misdeeds” or wrong doings onto the Jaguar individual.

Trusting by nature, such illustrations of dishonesty and lack of moral
character as mentioned above, will deeply sadden the human counterpart to Jaguar Spirit, and teach him/her the importance of standing by their personal beliefs and taking responsibility for their own actions, choices and decisions. In this way, the lesson is learned that one must be comfortable with facing one’s self in the mirror.

Yet the greatest lesson for the Jaguar soul, may often come in the guise of conflicting desires within their own Self. As a highly sensual individual, these are souls who are enthralled with the beauty and diversity of life, from the brilliant colors, patterns and hues of a sunset, to the aroma of a rose in bloom, to the physical attractiveness of a potential mate. This high degree of sensuality can create deeply felt stimuli that can at times be in contradiction to the best interest of the soul’s growth and can serve as temptation to divert the Jaguar from his/her soul’s path. An example of this principle would be the Jaguar individual who is already in a partnership, being attracted to one outside of his/her present relationship and following the attraction to consummation. Another example may be the one beside whom Jaguar journeys following the instructions of a supervisor to “swindle” a customer in order to receive a financial gain. In both instances, the Jaguar is operating contrary to his/her belief system of integrity. In so doing, the guilt, sense of self-betrayal, and the call of the soul to realign with the character of the Higher Self, will be such as to create an indelible imprint on the psyche to remain within the parameters of their personal integrity.

When the Jaguar soul remains true to his/her moral convictions, and is able to do so from a point of non-judgment and with no hint of self-righteousness, then the wholeness of the integrative process may be experienced. In those moments, the splendor of the mind, body, soul integrity is witnessed and serves as an inspiring example to others.***

Contrary or Shadow Jaguar Medicine

Each Animal Totem may also fill the Role of Shadow Totem, its presence to teach us our most significant life lessons via the vehicle of pain. The Shadow Totem is the guide to our subconscious, the repository of all our unresolved issues, pain, hopes and desires. When we are operating opposite of the higher purpose of a particular totem, we are said to be operating from Contrary Medicine, or from our ~Shadow~ side. To learn more about the Shadow Totem, please click here.

As a Shadow Totem, or for one whose Power, Theme, Mission or Astral Totem is Jaguar yet is operating from Contrary Medicine, the ~Shadow Side~ to this beautiful cat can be quite complex.

One who is operating from Contrary Jaguar Medicine, or who has Jaguar as a Shadow Totem, will be highly unpredictable, unreliable and untrustworthy. The impeccable principles by which a Jaguar soul will conduct his/her life when operating from the higher vibration of Jaguar Medicine, will be nearly non-existent in the behavior of the Shadow Jaguar. It isn’t that the inner voice of “proper conduct” and integrity isn’t present in the soul of Shadow or Contrary Jaguar, but merely that the human counterpart is choosing to block out the guiding voice in favor of material, emotional or physical gains.

Such resistance to the proper use of Jaguar Medicine, will create great havoc and chaos in the life of one beside whom Jaguar walks. Plans that have been carefully plotted and strategized, will fall through at the last moment. Emotional partnerships that were initially achieved through seduction, deceit or manipulation will be severed abruptly when the partner of Shadow Jaguar comes to realize the one they have fallen in love with is not who/what they have presented themselves to be.

Only once the Jaguar soul steps into alignment with his/her personal integrity and the higher vibration of Jaguar Medicine, will the pattern of chaos and pain transform. In understanding the temptation to control or dominate others for what it is, lack of faith in the Self, can the life lessons represented by the Shadow manifestation of this Totem Spirit right itself. Yet if these lessons are learned, absorbed and integrated, the Shadow energy transforms itself as the two-legged shapeshifts into a new form . . . one that is filled with compassion and integrity.

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2006-02-07T20:31:16Z

i don't know what's up with me today...i'm okay...but then again, i'm not. i am just wierd today. i keep thinking about how cool it would be to have a tail. that would be so awesome. i'm actually thinking about writing a story about that...yay, me. i am finally writing an original story...maybe. anywho, i have 2 other story ideas too so i'm probably going to work on those first. one of them will be my normal fanfiction type...the other, something new. i hope i can make it work. i need someone to beta it though...someone who doesn't mind adult stories. hey! :P i can write whatever i want to. well, anywho if you're willing to beta the story comment. i have someone to beta my other story already so that's all good...i just need someone to beta the adult story...when i finish it. oh, and just so you know it will probably be a "plot, what plot" kinda story. just some sex...you know. if you're gonna do something, do it hard...or should that be someone. *devil horns* anywho, that's what i've got to say right now so...umm...bye.

okay, stop reading...really, the message is over...i'm leaving now.

really, stop looking at me! you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

*starts to walk away and looks back* hey!!! i said leave!

do-de-do-de-do...why are you still reading? the message is over and there is nothing to see so please leave.

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umm...i'm not home right now, please leave a message at the beep.........*beep*...

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did everyone leave? i hope so...did i get any messages?!

smallpox

2006-02-01T21:24:06Z

i learned something that truly sickened me today. when we gave blankets with smallpox to the native americans we knew there was smallpox on it. it was a bioweapon planted by us. i had always heard that it was like a mistake but today in my disease class i learned that it was no mere oversight but a purposeful attack on the native american people. maybe you all knew that but i didn't and the mere idea of doing something so horrible truly sickens me. i mean, what is wrong with us?! giving smallpox to "hopefully" eradicate an entire people. i feel that this action was a perversion of knowledge and it is clearly one of many horrible atrocities commited by mankind.

i have something real to write!!!

2006-01-27T20:09:58Z

sorry, i'm kinda happy, it's been a while since i have been able to really write anything. anywho, onto what i came to say. for the last couple days i've been seeing a raccoon. now most people would probably say so what but i have been vehemently seeking my totem and i have never seen a raccoon before. now, raccoon is my favorite idea for a totem (and i really don't think raccoon is my true totem <--i feel a much deeper connection to the wolf) but i do think this event is meaningful. perhaps raccoon is a secondary totem or whatnot. you know? anyway, i just wanted to say that. perhaps raccoon is my totem and i am wrong. i will leave myself open to the idea. ^_^ i just feel a deeper connection to the wolf and have dreamed of wolves and of being a wolf for most of my life so i feel that wolf is more likely than not my totem...of course, as i said a few lines ago, i will keep myself open to the idea that i am the raccoon. i have done a little research and raccoon does seem kind of like me...other than his infatuation with cleaning...i'm pretty good having a dirty den. but, yeah, i just wanted anyone who cares to know. ^_^